WHAT MAY INITIALLY APPEAR AS A BREAKDOWN, IS ACTUALLY A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY FOR EXPONENTIAL GROWTH. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PAIN, FEAR AND RESISTANCE, LIES YOUR GREATEST BREAKTHROUGH. HAD I NOT KNOWN MY DARKNESS, I WOULD NEVER HAVE FOUND MY LIGHT.
Our journeys are unique yet somehow similar at the same time. The events may be different, but the human condition experiences the same spectrum of feelings and emotions. That's why, I feel that in sharing my story I can bridge the gap in the idea of separation and create a sense of connection. It is personal, but at the same time it is collective. Unconsciously, deeply, we are related.
BREAKDOWN
Life always sends us the opportunities we need towards growing. But it is our responsibility to work those opportunities. And yes, the longer we wait, the bigger the backlog we have.
It doesn't even matter who or what that opportunity is. You manifested it because it is what could work in the moment you find yourself in, if you let it, if you engage. You manifested it because it has the ingredients that are attracting you enough to keep you interested so that you CAN hopefully grow. It is never about the circumstance. It could be anything. It is never about the other person and who they are. They can be anybody. It is all just a trigger for spiritual growth.
We need these catalysts for change, its how we as human beings with our fabric of emotions are wired to grow. These circumstances are the necessary tools that life uses to guide us in rediscovering our higher Self.
At only 32 years old I had found myself at complete rock bottom with my health. The whole of my health. My physical health had been drastically weakening and altered and was getting worse and worse by the day. My mental health had been unbalanced for a while as well, and was starting to show clear signs of breakdown. For most of my life I had been under huge amounts of stress, and despite doing my best of "hanging in there", it had worn me out and I had all the symptoms to show for it. I was suffering from numerous chronic health conditions: fatigue, arthritis joint pain, digestive issues (IBS), anxiety, panic attacks, depression, difficulty sleeping, uncontrollable stubborn weight gain, sudden appearance of painful cystic acne, hair loss, shortened periods and heart palpitations. ... Exactly! I had the whole entire package and then some! I had tried every attempt I could think of to get better. More exercise, more water, a clean diet, supplements, vitamins, self help, walking outside in nature, you name it! Nothing was working and it was only getting worse. The worst part was that I had absolutely no idea what exactly was wrong, as it honestly felt like my entire being was wrong, not just one particular thing. I became desperate for a solution, and I did a very strict weight loss diet recommended by my family physician. It was supposed to be the answer to all my prayers. Instead of getting better though, after 5 days of magic potion smoothies and one low calorie meal per day, I ended up in the ER because my body started having uncontrollable tremors. In the ER , despite my repeated explanations that something went wrong after starving myself on the crazy diet, they told me I am just having a panic attack and will need to take antidepressants and see a psychotherapist.
My body couldn't stop the tremors for days on end that turned into weeks. It was the weirdest and scariest symptom I had ever experienced and don't wish it on anyone. It's when I had no other choice but to find the meaning of what my body was trying to tell me. I worked with some great specialists to heal my body and my mind. My new naturopath doctor told me I was highly toxic with lots of blockages in my system. My new psychotherapist told me I have all the adulthood symptoms of developmental trauma. Later on, an osteopath said I had mountains and mountains of sadness stored in my body. My family doctor said all my blood work came back fine, and she can't find anything wrong with me. Turns out they were all correct with their diagnoses in each of their specialties.
BREAKTHROUGH
I detoxed and supplemented with the naturopath. I saw my psychotherapist in weekly sessions. I did the somato-emotional release sessions with the osteopath. I took the medication. I changed my diet. But change did not come fast or easy. I literally felt besides myself for a long time. I was not well and I knew it. Something had obviously broken and to my surprise, no expert had the magic pill to fix it right away as I had initially hoped.
I have to say, in all honesty, this process of navigating No Man's Land was extremely uncomfortable, painful and frightening! From thereon, after surviving the point of no return, I began to rebuild mySelf piece by piece with the help of my team of fantastic specialists. In the muggy process, my healing would take one step forward and three steps back. And I learned that it was okay!
HEALING MAY NOT BE LINEAR, BUT FORWARD IS FORWARD.
As long as I was alive and breathing, my responsibility was to heal. No matter how weak and ill I felt, no matter the setback, I summoned whatever was left of me, and decided to KEEP MOVING. KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
INTEGRATION
- I have learned about CPTSD or Developmental Trauma that can take place in the first 6 years of childhood, and according to the ACE studies, both the mind and body are impacted later on in life if our nervous system is exposed to that early life stress.
- I learned that trauma survivors have implicit memories manifesting as physical symptoms.
- I learned how emotionally immature parents can cause more damage than they are aware of, and how one's childhood past can catch up with them under different somatic forms in their present as an adult.
- I also learned about being a Highly Sensitive Person and Empath.
- I learned that there is such a thing called "molecules of emotion", and that our thoughts and emotions affect our physical health. What's more, emotions run every system of our body, so they are never to be underestimated.
- I learned that symptoms are just signs associated with a condition that signal that the body has encountered a blockage in its attempt to "self heal, auto regulate and adapt to challenges".
- I learned that in industrialized countries today, we are potentially exposed to 200,000 industrial toxins, of which only 200 have been required to be tested for safety. It is known that many of these chemicals have the ability to interfere with normal functioning of the human body by blocking intracellular enzyme systems that facilitate normal cellular function and ultimately normal body functions.
- I learned that synthetic steroids (oral contraception aka The Pill and Plan B) may not only cause a structural re-organization of the brain, but—even more importantly—induce changes in neurochemistry and brain function, which are currently relatively unexplored.
I learned a lot of complicated stuff. I learned A LOT of inconvenient truths! But I also learned that there are things like neuroplasticity, epigenetics and trauma-informed body work. The body is self-healing, auto-regulating and able to adapt to challenges. And so, I learned that as long as you're breathing, healing is undeniably possible.
Just like everyone else on this journey, I am learning the path as it unfolds. It is paved with stepping stones of successes and failures, all stuck together with the grout of wisdom.
If you happen to find yourself anywhere close to a breakdown, or if you are actually finding yourself in the eye of the storm right now, I want you to know that you are not alone in this. In opening my heart to you, I hope that you will feel less lonely, less despair and less pain. I hope my story will inspire the hope and faith needed to keep going. Hand in hand, we got this!